mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
