He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
