Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize