hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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