I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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