what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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