It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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