Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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