You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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