I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
