turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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