you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
