No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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