I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
