Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
