Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
