Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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