Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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