apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
