I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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