I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was born a porn star she said
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
