dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
