I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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