I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize