saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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