my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She even gives head with a lisp.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
