We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize
