i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
