I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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