i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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