i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
