OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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