i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
