I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
