You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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