You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
