what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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