Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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