Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
