mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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