Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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