If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
