I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
