Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
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The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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