Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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