Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I didn't notice because vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
