no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
