I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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