She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
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For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
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