FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
