DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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