Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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