i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
