When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
