i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
