It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
