woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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