Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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