So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
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I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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